Bodily Functions: The Blog Post

This is really a post that Ryan should be writing, given his extensive knowledge of the subject but, he has been desensitized to the topic and his judgement of what is gross and what is not gross cannot be trusted.

I now know the truth:  Babies are cute because if they weren't, parents would be so disgusted that there would be places you could put your baby until he/she pulled his/herself together.  Baby nursing homes people.

Let's be honest.  Most of you reading either don't have kids yet or had kids so long ago that you are blinded by their wildly successful current selves.  Josh and Jeni are the only ones I guarantee will read this with a knowing nod...(moment of solidarity)...

For your reading pleasure, I've focused on the two most popular methods of ruining your appetite.

Enjoy.

Spit Up:  One day, the first week we were home from the hospital Molly spit up everywhere.  Literally, everything she had just eaten came flying out of her mouth and covered her entire body.  I had a supreme meltdown.  I thought she was dying.  (Hormones, ladies and gentleman, are powerful things.)  My mom cleaned her up while I was comforted by my great aunt (Auntie) and first cousin once removed (Judy)...because, of course, this moment had to occur when we had company.

Long story short, she wasn't dying.  The doc said, "she is just a 'spit uppy' baby". (Still searching through Ryan's med school text books for the official definition of that diagnosis....)

But - she was.  She spit up.  And she did it a lot.

Case in point:  we have done a lot of traveling this first 9 months of Molly's life, (Check it out) and I used to pack 2 spit up rags per day we were gone.  Plus two extra.  Plus two for the car.  And I used those suckers until they were way past what a normal person would define as "soiled".  Gross.

But now Molly Update #1, she has outgrown it.  I've got one spit up rag that hangs out downstairs and it lasts for a week!  A week by normal people "soiled" standards.  When we went to St. Louis, I only brought 2 spit up rags.  2!

Congrats Mol!

Poop:  I'm not sure about other babies, but Molly's poop has gone through a number of stages.  First it was the, I-Poop-On-You phase where she saved it up until we opened the diaper and then she showered us with love.  That was followed by the I-Can't-Poop phase where she squirmed and cried and we cheered for every success.  Now, Molly Update #2, we are in the Poop-Is-Fun phase.  Key identifiers for this phase:

• Pooping on demand - the BEST times to poop are (a) immediately after a clean diaper has just been secured or (b) when no diaper is within 10 feet - a.k.a Bath Time.
• Poop advertising - breath holding and purple face followed immediately by large smile
• Poop notifications - smell.  Nuff said.

But, she is cute, so it's ok.  And besides, I know the next phases (the Let's-Try-The-Potty phase, the I-Needa-Go-NOW phase, the Why-Didn't-You-Go-Before-We-Left phase and the You-Look-Beautiful-Mol-Give-Someone-Else-A-Turn-In-The-Bathroom phase) are going to make us wish we were once again being showered with love.

PS - I'm pretty sure you just read Ryan's speech for Molly's wedding day.  You're welcome Ryan.  And...you're welcome Mol.

Molly smells very very bad in this picture.
Lucky for you, odors are not conveyed well over the internet.